Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sheltering or shattering?

Why is it those who are closest to us seem to cause us the most pain and distress?  Usually they do it without even thinking or realizing it either.  Things between me and my other half (MOH) have been going through some serious changes recently. The applecart has not only been upset, but rather more likely rolled over and flattened in some instances.  Feelings have been shut out and the walls have gone up.  Trust has been broken and in some ways, so grossly tread upon to the point of being beyond hope, let alone sturdy enough to withstand any repairs.  The very foundation of things has been rocked and shaken, not just stirred.

I have recently suffered a pretty significant blow in life on a personal level. In dealing with it and the costs involved, (financial and emotional) my other half felt the need to step in and 'handle things' for me. I didn't really need the help and could have dealt with everything, pretty much myself, but I let him do it anyways.  Accepting and appreciating the help others give, (as I have said before and somewhere else) are two things that can be difficult to do. 

I have learned in the past day or so, MOH is really in no position to have handled anything.  Why MOH feels the need to step in and do things, when I have it covered? I'm not sure I can really say because I don't understand it myself.  When MOH feels he has sheltered me from the storms that happen in life, at times, all that has been done, is he has shattered and disturbed things he doesn't understand.   And so it goes, that on top of the blows I have already taken, I will be stepping in to clean up yet another mess that has been created FOR me, by someone trying to take care OF me.  

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Into the looking glass

I guess sometimes we have to look back at where we came from, to get an idea of where we are going. Sometimes we do this to remember what we were like before, or to enable ourselves to shift away from the things we disliked about our behavior.  We look at how we used to do things, what we are doing now, what we never allowed compared to what we allow now... 

We may like what we see, or maybe not.  One thing a lot of us do is find fault within ourselves too easily. We also focus on the I should have, could have, would have, etc.  The things that seem to stand out in our minds? The bad stuff, the meanest things we have ever heard, the ugly and the negative... 

Why is it we lose sight or track of the fun we shared with someone? Why do we lose sight of our goals, because of a few things one person says?  Why is it so easy to just give in and give up? Why is it so easy to point fingers and lay blame- on someone else?  Because we don't have to face them when we look in the mirror.

Looking in the mirror we see how time has changed us. We see how life has taken it's toll on our bodies and what we let happen to ourselves.  We are forced in a way, to reckon with ourselves for the things we have done, the things we allowed to happen, the way we have treated others and let ourselves be treated.  This is not always pretty, not always easy to deal with and some of us shut it out all together. 

When you open your own Pandora's box of feelings and emotions, it can be a huge blow to take when you reach those self revelations, epiphanies of not so pleasant things and realize what has happened and more precisely- why? 

When you start to change things to improve- those around you may not understand. Those closest to you may not 'approve'.  They aren't comfortable with 'the new you' who has become soft or more empowered, backed off or taken charge. That may be because they haven't looked long and hard in the mirror at their own self.   If they did and they fixed things, would you still be around for the results?  What would you have to see change to consider staying?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Dawning of a New Year

I am a little late in writing this post, but I have finally gotten around to it. Better late than never.  With the new year, a lot of people are making their resolutions. Deciding on what they need to work on improving this year. I haven't really gotten around to thinking about it yet.  After all, what does a bad pixie like me need to work on?

There have been a few revelations on my part lately. A few good long looks in the mirror and some outsider insight into things.  Thankfully someone else sees the things I somehow missed...

I am still on the fence about my one main goal for the year.  I think it may be one of a few things.  I don't want to say what they are, as then I am committed to those things. I want to try keeping my options open for now.