Thursday, June 27, 2013

Making Circles*


My friend went in for testing yesterday and I was admittedly quite on edge. It sucks that I couldn't be there for them and that alone disappointed me to no end. As it was, I sent them messages of love via text, and was constantly watching both the clock and my phone for word that they were done. I just want everything to be ok.

Life has restrictions sometimes, that can't be overcome at the moment. Obligations need to be met, commitments need to be kept and life throws you a curve that doesn't comply with any of that. I let my friend know the night before, that if there were any way I could have been there- I would be there in a heartbeat. I really appreciate everyone’s support, payers and well wishes at this time. It means a lot to me. You guys are splendid that way!

It is only the testing at this point and no further information will be readily available until things are sent to the lab and meanwhile you wait... I'm not sure how long it will be before they get the results back or where it goes from here. Waiting is tough and the uncertainty is but a wretched, sodding bitch.

*Hugs*

~Pixie~

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Caught in limbo

Forgive me if this post should seem a bit dark, as I have recently had things weighing heavy on my mind. A very close, very dear friend of mine is battling cancer. After surgery and chemotherapy, the cancer marker numbers are slowly climbing back up again.  Another very close, very dear friend of mine is facing a medical procedure with trepidation of the results. It is uncertain at this point if further testing or surgery will be needed. Another friend of mine still battles the lasting effects of their cancer while another still is doing the same.  One of them died three times while on the table during surgery, yet he is fortunate to still be here.

Then there are people I wish would just go away and yet they are healthy as can be. What gives? 

There have been people I have known that have passed and sadly enough, their wake was the kind you attend only to be sure they are really, truly gone.  The eulogy almost sickening to listen to, as it is disgustingly laden with half truths and even outright lies, because they truly were, not a good or honorable person in this life.  

Cherish those you hold close, every day that you have them. Tell them often, how much they are loved. Show them how much they are loved, because actions speak far louder than words. Listen, don't just hear them.  Be there for them when they need it most, no matter what you have going on in your life.

*Love & Hugs*

~Pixie~

Monday, June 10, 2013

No regrets

I once let someone very dear to me at the time, slip away from me without telling them how I felt. I carried that baggage around for about four years. I thought of them often, wondered if I would ever get the chance to tell them and hoped beyond prayer that they were ok all this time.

During that time- I moved several times, got a new cell phone, changed my number a few times and still thought about them every. single. day. I knew it wasn't right for us to be around each other, we would never get along well enough to live under the same roof sharing a flat and knew they had issues. I also knew they could call, email, write or even show up in my life (or on my doorstep for that matter) on any given day. This person always, always, Always knew how to find me.

When the day came to finally have the chance to tell them how I felt, how I thought of them every. single. damn. day... it was one of the most awkward moments life could have ever thrown my way.

I took that chance though. I spilled it. I poured my heart out and told them, because I knew if I didn't seize the moment then, I don't know if it ever would have come around again. I had little regard for anyone within earshot as to how they felt upon hearing the words spilling out of my mouth. I just knew that I had to say them. Once said, I could finally relax and let it all go. It was as if a weight had been lifted for me. If that person died tomorrow, I knew they would go knowing I how much I cared for them.  And while I still think about them often, I still care for them, I know I took that chance and let them know. At this point in life, although I still care, I doubt I will ever hear from them again. Whatever happens, I am okay with the outcome.

Just last week, someone else who's special to me said some things that meant a lot. I got the chance this morning to thank them. They did it out of love and because of lifes crazy circumstances, there wasn't much they could do.  Still I appreciate it. A lot. It's the little things.  So with tears in my eyes and my voice threatening to crack at any time, I thanked them.   When they said- "That was a few days ago..."  Yeah. I have been thinking about it ever since because it made my day.   



Thursday, June 6, 2013

Unresolved

Some things in life you can't ever apologize for. There's just no way to undo what has been done. There are no words to change it, make things better and fix the trust that has been broken. There is no way to unhear what has been heard, unsee what has been seen and undo what has been done.

Forgiveness isn't even an option when the guilty party has no remorse. They don't believe they have done anything wrong. They have heard what they wanted to hear, chosen to listen only when it applies to them and made selfish choices, never considering the ramifications to follow or the lasting effects it has on others around them.  Theirs is a perfect world, just ask them.

In time we may get over the pain, bury it and let it settle. We may even be able to forget about it for a while and not let it bother us as much. Truth be known, it chips away at us on the inside. It's there for us every day, bothering us in the far reaches of our mind. We never know when it will happen, where we will be when it does or even how, but there will be something to tip it off and bring it back to the surface.  Some pain, some things, may never be resolved.  





Saturday, June 1, 2013

Simply sorry

There are often things in life that we do or say, going about life as usual and without any clue or inclination that it is happening- we hurt someone we love. It's not intentional, it's not malicious in any way, but it is still there and the damage has been done.

Subtle changes in the tone of their voice as the initial blows are inflicted, may go unnoticed. Their touch may not be as warm as it once was, nor offered as often or generously. What started as a small crack on the surface, slowly grows until there is a dip, then a rut and if left unnoticed becomes a gaping crevasse before long.

Sometimes it isn't even so much what you say or do, but comments made by others about situations that concern you. Maybe an innocent question, but asked out of curiousity and suddenly your loved one is guilty if only by association. It wears on them and if left unchecked, like a wound it will fester and eat away at what you once had. The salve of recognising it and sincerely apologizing, is the beginning of the healing process.